Back in the depths of 1988, during my first year at secondary school, all the girls in my year group were held back after assembly so that our female Deputy Head could impart “The Period Talk”. This included some basic info about periods (which the lucky ones among us had already been let in on by parents, guardians and friends) and concluded by telling us NOT to flush sanitary towels down the toilets, that periods were most certainly NOT an excuse to skip PE but also that if we ever needed a tampon or a pad, we could come to her office anytime.
Several things up with that, one of which being: why just the girls? It was barely understood back in the late eighties that gender was not a binary, much less that it’s not just girls who have periods. What about your transmen and your non-binary folk? They have periods too. And why would periods only be of interest to those who actually bleed, anyway? Isn’t it useful for anyone who has a partner, a sibling or a housemate who menstruates to have “The Period Talk”?
That aside, I am amused by the thought of a parallel version of this occurring in midlife, as we approach the end of our periods. How would it be to find ourselves, around the age of 40, ushered into a hall together and told that very soon we will end our menstruating days with a barrage of hot flushes, gushing periods, brain fog, migraines, insomnia and mood swings to rival The Hulk? We would probably also be told that this is NOT an excuse to shirk off from our busy lives and that we must navigate this typically decade-long transition without anyone noticing. We would probably all turn to each other and scream!
As silly as that scenario sounds, it might be wonderful to make menopause so visible. I find there is very little information out there that is useful to me and, if that’s how I feel as a white, cisgender woman, then I imagine the situation is much more dire if you identify as a minority. I’ve heard plenty of stories from other women about medical professionals dismissing their debilitating symptoms as “just your age”, so how much worse is it if your gender, sexual or racial diversity is also not understood?
There is a reluctance to talk about menopause. Did you know, for example, that menopause is actually the term for the moment when a person can say they haven’t had a period for a whole year? The menopause is just that one, tiny moment. Everything after that is post-menopause. And perimenopause, far from being some sort of delicious spicy hot flush, is the term for everything that happens in those years leading up to menopause - when hormones are in flux and we might be dealing with a variety of changes. Perimenopause is so little discussed that my spell checker doesn’t even recognise it as a word. Yet it is the part of this process that often lasts the longest and can cause a host of problems.
Counselling IS one place where I find myself talking about perimenopause and menopause a lot. It affects us all in different ways, and means something different to each of us. It might be the celebration of the end of years made painful by endometriosis, or dominated by terrible periods. It might equally be a real loss and leave someone feeling that they are not quite the same anymore. The end of the possibility of reproduction can, for a variety of reasons, be a tough thing to face.
Just managing the symptoms of perimenopause can in itself bring people into mental health support. Some people experience anxiety, depression or incredibly disturbing mood swings for the first time in this part of their lives. While these might be temporary problems, to disappear sometime after menopause, coping with them over a potential span of around 10 years is daunting. Equally, physical symptoms such as heavy bleeding, migraine, joint pain and hot flushes can massively interfere with our professional and personal lives. Add into that the affects of insomnia, another common symptom, and suddenly all sorts of things become more challenging than they were before.
It’s incredibly common for libido to be affected by perimenopause and yet, while both sex and (peri)menopause are taboo subjects in society, the silence around this can be damaging to intimate relationships - the very relationships that we might need most as we go through this. Finding the courage to talk about these things is hard when you think you might be the only one: I welcome more media coverage and decent books on the subject, but there’s no denying there is nowhere near enough of this.
I am heartily sick of books that attempt to sell (peri)menopause to me as a way to be at one with my “feminine wisdom” or an opportunity to be “in charge” of my body. And I’m actively mad at those books that want to impart how I might do (peri)menopause with great style and without gaining weight. In fact, I’m still looking for a book - just one book - that actually makes sense to me about this change in my life. I have high hopes for Heather Corinna’s What Fresh Hell Is This? due to be released in June 2021, but honestly how are there not HEAPS of these books about this thing that affects around half of us for around a decade of our whole lives? And why are the resources that are out there so alienating to those who identify as queer, non-binary or trans? Every single person going through this life change deserves safety, information and support.
Just as I think everyone needs to know about periods, in order to support others if not for themselves directly, I believe we all need to know about (peri)menopause. I wish I had known more about it when I was a teenager witnessing my mum go through it. I am sure many people close to someone going through their (peri)menopause would benefit from a little more helpful knowledge and, moreover, the normalisation of talking about it. When we can ditch the assumptions (that menopause makes us “mad”, that we all experience the same thing, that it only happens to women…) and talk honestly about it, we’ll really be getting somewhere.
If you’re struggling to find resources about (peri)menopause, I recommend Menopause Matters and Menopause Support UK. I really recommend Queer Menopause for its growing resources, and its inclusivity.
Know of any good (peri)menopause resources? Let me know in the comments!
Want to talk about how this huge life change is affecting you? You can book counselling with me via my contact page.